It started a little over two months ago as something simple, but turned into something so much more. History between people can fade, but when you really know someone, new feelings can hit you without even knowing what happened. Three weeks ago, we got into the friends stage, it was becoming a good friendship- as we had know each other for a while before. Then the mood changed about a week ago, everything felt so different, I could perceive it in both of us.

I had been getting the hint for the last few days that I could say it, but I was too scared, not sure if what I felt was real. Not sure if I was wanting to receive hints or if the hints were really there. I had been thinking about it all day, since he said something last night that really made me think. I didn't think that I was going to get to see him tonight, but I ended up being able to do so. As we were having sex, there was a moment of clarity. I couldn't hold back any longer, and I knew that I had to say it, even though I was so scared. It wasn't fair to him and it wasn't fair to me, it had to be released.

I told him that I love him, and he said the same thing back to me. And then during an especially intense part of it, a short time after that, he told me to say it again. So I said it again, and he said it back to me. It was damn amazing, I was shaking before and after I said it, a hella lot before mostly. I had so much repressed emotion, it was all that I could do to hold it in by shaking. I am still scared and nervous, but that shall fade, I'm only paranoid and scared for a short period of time.

I don't know what is going to happen from here, this was all so sudden and unforseen. I'll probably be worried and paranoid until Saturday, which is when we're spending the whole day and night together. After lots of talking on that night, I'm sure that I'll be fine. I'll see him before then, and I'm sure that we'll do a lot of talking, so I might be a little more comfortable before Saturday. I have the worst luck, and I've had so much bad shit happen, that this whole thing scares the shit out of me. Especially when it came this fast, I wasn't even close to being mentally prepared for this.

From now on, I shall only refer to this guy as him. There is only one him in my life, and he would be him. :P I'm tired of using the whole "Mr.X" or whatever type of shit, so this is how I am going to go about it. Hopefully he will be the only him that I shall ever need. That's what I have been doing in the last several weeks, being with him and working. Lots of working and lots of being with him, that's why I haven't been posting. I've been trying to get out on the nights when I haven't been with him, and have been having a lot of fun on those nights. I'll get out on Tuesday night (tomorrow, tonight, whatever) to play pool, which I can't wait to do. I was on fire the last time I played pool, Kevin and I won nine games in a row, it was so kickasstastic.

I need to concentrate on not being so scared and paranoid, which is something that won't be easy for me to do, especially when my last two relationships have been so short and unpredictable. Just when I thought that everything was going great on both of those, they all came to a screeching halt, so that doesn't help the way I feel at all. I've been through too much bullshit, I don't need more trouble, which is the part that scares me about getting into something new like this. Have no doubt that I am totally happy about him and everything that has happened, but I'm still scared of getting hurt. I'm trying not to be too apprehensive about everything, since that makes me hold back feelings, as it has been in the last several days. However, to be fair to myself and him, I need to let go of everything and just let it fly.