I think that I fucked it up... already. I played it cool all week, only sending him an email the day after the date, like a couple of emails (and a link to something I thought he would like, a couple of days ago). And then I didn't call him at all this week, until tonight. I left him a couple of messages, since my work situation kept changing, and I was wanting to keep him informed in case he wanted to do something tomorrow night (Saturday). I had worked it out to bribe someone to stay for me, if I was supposed to be there late, and if Mr.G was available to do something. Yeah, I'm not above bribery when it comes to something I really want. Anyway, I got bored on break and saw that it looked like Mr.G was online on messenger, but didn't have an away message up. I tried to contact him on here, but no answer. So he gives me a call, a little tipsy and sick from the wine he had ingested at whatever fancy thing he was attenting, and was kinda little strange with me.

I tried to explain that I'm just nervous, that I'm not usually like this. Which is true, once I know what the fuck is going on, I'm a lot more calm and collected about everything. He basically thinks that I'm a bit agressive, which is just absurd. That was laid back for me, shitfire. Oooh, he's got the country coming out of me now, with the whole "shitfire" and all. He said that he's also a bit stressed and yadda yadda and that he can't handle a lot right now. Which is when I proceeded to state that this is unusual for me, I'm not usually so much on the edge, but I think that he's really cool and that I hadn't talked to him all week.

He said that we could just hang out sometime, which I was cool with, but he didn't state when that would be. He's busy tomorrow (Saturday) and is going to have a hard time with work next week, since he has to drive an hour each way to get there while they're doing some renovations at the current place where he works. I don't know when it will be, but I hope that I didn't totally fuck everything up in one single night. I didn't think that emailing him three times in one week and calling him twice in one day was all that agressive at all, especially when I've been trying to lay low and haven't spoken with him on the phone or in person for a whole fucking week!

What the fuck, right? He basically thinks that it's too much for him, which I understand that he has a very very demanding job, but gotdamn. He shouldn't have had an ad on the personals if he couldn't handle someone else who needs some attention now and then. I think that he's a bit of a flake, really. I was really upset earlier, but it's swung back to rage, for the moment. Y'all know how much I hate being upset, and how I must turn it into being pissed off, else I will explode. Seriously, the date and everything went great, we both agreed that we had a great time. I consider myself to have been laying low this week, it wasn't like I was calling him or trying to email or im him everyday or something.

What the fuck is wrong with the men that I choose? Some of them are actually just losers, like Matt, but Mr.G has it all together. Nice job, nice car, nice apartment, everything in life very set to go. He isn't just some bum who doesn't know what the fuck is going on and doesn't have anything to his name. (Ahem, Matt) That could be the problem, he does have too much. I know all of the shit that he has to do for his job, well not all of it, but I can understand why his job is obviously demanding and a big deal. There's about four people that come here, that if y'all email me, I will tell you what he does. But only because I have known you guys for a long time (you know who you are). But for security purposes (all of the weird fucks that used to come here to be haters), I am not going to say who he is or what he does for a living. Or even where I work, which is something that I haven't ever mentioned on here.

Do I just choose the wrong guys? Is that really what it is? I can't believe that I am this bad at choosing guys, this is just fucking unreal. All of the boyfriends that I've had... have been all fucked up. We had this discussion before, so I don't think that I need to get into it again. The point is... how does this happen? Is this some sort of subliminal thing? I know that I want to find the right guy and be happy, so I'm not doing this shit on purpose. They all just happen to have some sort of issues, it seems.

Army guy fucked me over, really bad recently. I still want to talk to his fucking ass, yesh. Matt fucked me over a year and a half ago. Josh fucked me over last year. I've had a lot of stupid shit with men in the last year and a half, no wonder I'm a basket case when it comes to Mr.G, can you blame me? I've really tried to be all calm with this shit, and not worry, but that's just not who I am. I can't just decide to do that sort of thing, that wouldn't be true to my nature. I think too much, worry too much, that's just me. A leopard can't change his spots. I quit drinking, and I will quit smoking, but those things are different than the mental things that I do. I've been doing those mental things for a lot longer than the smoking and drinking, it's a part of who I am and why I am the way that I am. I like the way I am, and I really don't want to change that... even though it is driving me insane.

Sanity be damned, this is just me, and I like myself a lot. I don't like the stupid shit that always seems to fucking happen to me, but it's hard to get out of a rut sometimes. There are things that I could do, but they aren't going to be easy. Like the whole moving to Las Vegas thing. If I'm stressed out now, just think about how stressed out I will be to go to a big fucking city (by myself with no friends) and try to live. No friends there for me, no help for me, taking care of everything on my own. Yeah, I could do that if I moved to Columbus (Ohio) or something, since my friends and family are still close, I'd have a support system. But if I move to Vegas, it's going to be me and the palm trees, that's it. Talk about stress, that would be stress to move out by myself (without moving with a boyfriend, like I did with James a couple of times) for the first time.

Yes, it's a good idea if I want to drive myself totally over the edge, I suppose. I don't like not knowing things, I like to be informed on everything. I like knowledge, I like the power of it. Which is why Mr.G and I are having a problem, because I don't know anything about what the fuck is going on with him. And I know that I am spazzing out now, and I know that's fucked up, which makes all of this even worse for me. And I know that I'm going to be people complaining in the comments about me spazzing out and how stupid it is. I know all of this, that's why I hate this situation even more, which I think that I might have mentioned in the last entry. It is stupid, and I shouldn't worry about it. It's hard to be rational when you're thinking and feeling so much. I need to not think and feel so much... it didn't used to be quite this way. I remember when I was bitching about not feeling enough.

My two dates in the last month have been so different. The first guy was all about the "I know that you're the one for me" and "I'm falling more and more in love with you each passing day", and the other one (Mr.G) is all fucking aloof and busy and shit. Maybe if the two would have traded stances, I would have liked this much better. I didn't feel anything for the first guy at all, but I do really like Mr.G, which sounds like some weird mindfuck all in itself. I like the one that I'm not able to get close to, and I don't like the one that it totally all into me. However, I didn't feel anything for the first guy even before he got all weird on me. And I liked Mr.G from the night that we went out and had such a good time, so there shouldn't be any mindfuckery going on with that.

What the gotdamn hell? Hopefully, once again, this will help me blow off steam and calm down. I did feel a lot better after the last time that I ranted about this shit. Then I got all antsy the last couple of days, go figure. It's important that I had a great date with a great(?) guy that is totally stunning looking, nothing will take that away from me. I was lucky to have that chance in the first place, shocked that I even had a chance with him in the first place. (I'm not dissing myself, but y'all just don't know who this guy is or what he looks like) If nothing else, I can keep that with me... until I learn to hate him.

Already jumping the gun with this, that's how I'm thinking about it. He said that we could hang out, which I somewhat believe, and I'm already talking about the end of it. This is probably the end of it anyway, but I'm going to give it a slight chance that it actually isn't. Every time I get bored, I always find my way into some interesting shit, which usually turns into some dumb shit- seems that I have quite a knack for that. Seriously though, I give up. If he calls me, that's fine. If he doesn't, then what-the-fuck-ever.

Like I said, I'm done with it after this. I still have some leads on guys, but I'm done with it. They are doing to have to come to me. I'm not going to break my fucking brain trying to make something work out like this ever again. This is gotdamn retarded, utter bullshit. Mr.G is the straw that broke the camels back. I am stressed out about too many other things, and this just broke the camels back. I don't need bullshit on top of all of the other bullshit, you know? Whenever Mr.G comes to his fucking senses and gets his head out of his ass, he can contact me. There isn't going to be a single call, im, or email from me until then. Fuck all that bullshit, he can come to me. And if he doesn't, then fuck him... well, I'll be wishing that I would have, but I literally won't. -weak laugh-

Now that I've said all that, and just took a deep breathe because of it, I feel a good bit better. See, it is a good thing to have a blog, free therapy. You poor people get to see some drama and watch a person freak out, and I get to release all of the things that are bothering me. And if you don't like that, or the things that I say, then get the fuck out. Don't even bother to leave a comment if you don't like it, because I am not in the mood to deal with more shit, just get the fuck out. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that I have some anger issues... heh.... heh.

In other news, I was thinking about taking a spur of the moment mini vacation to Vegas at the end of this month or the beginning of the next. It would only run me around $500 to leave here on a Monday and return here on a Friday, which I think is totally worth it. It's not too terribly bad in the off season, it'll probably be $800 for a week in August, for staying at the same type of hotel and stuff. I could also go for my birthday, that's not for five more months, so I would have more than enough time to come up with more money. I might be crazy enough to go to Vegas within the next thirty days, though I'm not totally sure yet. I need a mini vacation, I've been thinking that I need two vacations a year, instead of one.

Cripes, this is the sixteenth paragraph. I should be a novelist or something, I can write forever, it seems. If I weren't so pissed off, I'd do a lot better with content and structure, since this is a little bit all over the place. I bought the new Sims expansion pack, when I was just over at Walmart, since I like to buy shit when I'm depressed. I haven't installed The Sims on my new super fast computer yet, so I might actually get on that sometime tonight. I feel like watching some tv, maybe playing a little bit of EQ2, and playing The Sims. I might be able to squeeze in eating at some point, since I haven't ate yet, and feel like I'm too on edge to eat. I swear, I felt all queasy about this earlier, after I talked to him.

I need to take more advice from the movie "Pump up the Volume" and say "Fuck it, so be it". I know that everything happens for a reason and that everything that has happened has been meant to be, hence the "Fate" tattoo on my arm, but sometimes it really fucking sucks. But really, "Fuck it, so be it" is really a good thing to remember in this situations. It happened, and it happened for a reason, so fuck it- whatever. Aaah, don't you just love it when my reasonable side pops out? It's like there are two of me, my spazzy side and my reasonable side. The are constantly at eachothers throats, apparently. Geeze, do I ever sound crazy to y'all? I swear, some of the shit that I say even sounds crazy to myself at times. That's not a good feeling to have, ack. Damn, all of that... and I still don't know if it's over with Mr.G or not... at this time, I've been lead to believe that it isn't. But I'm still freaking out.

Edit: I keep getting this whole "This can't be happening" feeling. Over and over and over. Like when I knew that I was going to go out with Mr.G on a date, I was totally all "No way, this can't be happening". And then when I was actually there in his apartment, same feeling. Now that I've fucked it up a little, same feeling, in a slightly different way. Everything is so surreal, and I really hate that feeling. It's that "Aw damn, I didn't really just do that" type of feeling, you know? I guess there's a little of the "Wake the fuck up from this horrible dream" feeling in there as well. Such is my life.

I can't believe that I still have more to say after all of what I have previously written. I think that I just feel alone now, and just want to reach out and touch someone... make a connection. Y'all really are my connection, and it helps me so much that I know y'all are out there reading this. If any of you guys that come here all of the time have any advice for me, feel free to send it my way. It'll probably be some stuff that I already know, but if I hear it from someone else, perhaps I'll actually take heed to it. Eh, I think that I'll watch Brokeback Mountain again tonight, and try to get through the whole thing. I only got through about 30% of it the other night, before I had something else to do.

EditX2: I can't believe how much better I feel now! Seriously, I feel soooo much better now that I got that all out. It's been a little while since I made the post, and I really do feel about 75% better. I'm sure that I will perhaps go back into spazz mode in a while, being that my moodswings have been terrible recently, but I feel a lot better for now. Gaaah, I hope that I can even myself out without having to take meds. I like dealing with my mental problems on my own, without meds... makes me proud.

EditX3: You know, I did say in a recent post that if it was going to get all fucked up, that I hoped it would end soon, so I wouldn't get too deep into it. So really, everything that is going on now is rather reflective of that. I just thought about that, and how weird that is... after I had just said something like that. Doesn't Fate work in strange ways? But you never know, it might not be over yet, this might just be the clue for me to chill the fuck out. But realistically, I think that it's over. The pressure was a bit too much for me this week, maybe it would be a good thing if it were over. I don't think that I could handle that shit until he and I became boyfriend/girlfriend. That would drive me insane if I had to deal with that for a month or more.

EditX3.5: I mean, really now, how the fuck am I supposed to put up with that shit until things become stable? Speaking of stable, I'm just not stable enough for this shit. I barely have enough glue to hold myself together, so I can't imagine taking another fullblown heartbreak. I guess that was Fate's lesson, let me go out on a date with someone that I perceive as perfect, then teach me that it isn't right for me at this time. Do I sound more crazy with each paragraph? Or is it just me? Heh heh... yeah, bad. Seriously, I do think that I'm a little off my rocker sometimes, I am just really good at hiding it and keeping it together. No wonder I'm tired all of the time, takes a lot of effort to keep this much crazy in check.

Aaaahaha, twenty third paragraph now. I was actually just thinking about that the other day, thinking about when I used to get all fired up about shit, then make these huge like twenty paragraph rants. It doesn't happen very often, but sometimes I just have to let it all out. I sure the fuck don't let myself slip in real life, and try not to let myself slip in the head. This is the rare time that I can actually say everything that I want to say, without having to see the look of "Damn, she's all fuckered up" on someones face. I know that I have one diagnosed problem, but fear that I have many more undiagnosed problems, lurking... lurking... hiding... breathing. Yeah, um... I don't know where the hell that exactly came from. When I get into these moods, I get all artsy with my words, the creative thinking really comes out.

But I like to go with it, see how far into crazy I can get, and then pull it all back to normal with a couple of thoughts. Even as I'm writing now, I'm thinking about how weird all the previous shit must sound to a "normal" person, whatever the hell that is. Basically, someone who isn't totally off their rocker. I need to take some time to meditate and relax my mind... I've been thinking waaaay too much since I quit drinking. That's enough for tonight, the more I write, the more scared I get.