You know, I have been hearing "Be yourself" by Audioslave a lot the last couple of days. Sooo much more than I normally do, and I believe that it's a sign. I believe that there are always signs out there, and most of the time, we don't see them. We ignore the signs because we're so accustomed to them. But I seem to think too much and analyze everything, so I catch most of these signs and grab the infinate wisdom that comes from signs and Fate. Sounds a little nutcase-ish, I know, but stick with me and keep an open mind. I downloaded the song, since I wanted to hear it more and more and more.

I believe that it is telling me that I should basically calm the fuck down and be myself, that everything will work out the way that it is supposed to. Reconfirming everything that I want and need to do, basically. If Mr.G is cool, then everything will go the way that it is supposed to, and everything will be alright. But until I find out what Fate has planned for me, there isn't any need to worry, since that causes my stomach to hurt- as it did quite a bit today. I've had chronic stomach aches pretty much since at least high school, since I worry so much all of the time. Not just butterflies, like actually ouch ouch stomach pains from being nervous.

So, besides the fact that I'm losing my fucking mind (again), not much new is going on. Though I do have to go for some fucking blood test in six hours. People in my area are getting paid $400 to take a survey and to give blood to see about something in the drinking water around here that is bad, might cause cancer or something, I've heard. I really fucking hate having my blood drawn, if it was only $50 or something, I would say fuck all that. I have nine tattoos, but I can't stand to have my blood drawn. Must be the actually drawing of blood, since it can't possibly be the needle. Yeah, I get all light headed and shit, it's not good. Well, I don't shit, but you know what I meant there... heh.

But yeah, I'm going to stay calm, try not to get worked up about this whole Mr.G thing. I really want it to work out, because he is such a great person (from what I know), not just because I want a relationship. I guess that I want something to work out for much, since nothing ever does, and this would be the greatest if it worked out. I guess there is a lot to be said about conditioning, the way that we make ourselves think the worst, or the best if you're that type of person. When something is proven to happen all of the time, always the same thing over and over, you come to expect that to be the only outcome.

It seems that it's so hard to make things change, it is so hard... to try to get things to be different when you feel that you don't have any control over a situation. And in these types of situations, you really don't. You can change your eating and excersize habits if you're fat, you can change your drinking habits if you drink too much... but you can't control love. You can try to do all that you can, but there isn't any formula for success on how to get someone and keep them. There are too many variables... too many combos and situations and variables. How can anyone be expected to get something that intricate right?

Gotdamn, I'm depressing myself now, and that was soooo not the intent of that paragraph. I'm not really sure where the hell I was going with that, but my writing is very deep and too full of inner reflection. I guess that's a good thing, but it just feels weird to me sometimes, when I see myself writing such things out. Seeing them on the screen, seeing what I think, it's like I'm really seeing it... you know? It's like "Wow, I really think like that? I think all of these detailed and...", I can't even think of the right words for that thought right now. Ack, this is really taking a downturn, shall we get to some better thoughts?

If you haven't heard that Audioslave song mentioned in the first paragraph, please download it, or at least read the lyrics. It has such a good message, and really is a beautiful song. I need to get that back onto my phone as a ringtone. I used to have it on there, it used to be Josh's ringtone. But it's been long enough, it can mean something else now. Got to get the XFiles ringtone too, since I've been hooked on that, again. I swear, I go on XFiles binges or something. I will watch it all of the time for a while, then skip the reruns for a while, then I'm back on it like white on rice again. All part of my obsessive personality, which I keep in check by probably doing those kinds of little things.

I guess that I will stay awake until I go to get my blood drawn, then pass the fuck out after that, hopefully when I'm at home (and not in the office). I'm probably not going to do jack shit today, which is pretty much the usual. I went out Monday night, and it was alright... but I wished that I was at home about half of the night. I had a little bit of a good time while I was up there, but that faded after a while. I might go out, I hate sitting around, pining away- thinking about anything and everything. It's nice to get out and distract myself, basically. That's why I liked drinking so much, it messed up my thought process a good bit, made it so that I didn't think as much. And when I did think, it was all hazy and fucked up. Aaaah yeah, it's been a year (this month, March now) since I quit drinking. It feels goooood.